Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called ” The uncomfortable Sausage”
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
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What I would do if I had a falcon
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
HITMAN: an accident
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
HITMAN: that was a joke
The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.