@StinkyGr33n

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

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@LindzThoughts

Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called ” The uncomfortable Sausage”

@kashanacauley

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

@junejuly12

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

@House_Feminist

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

@linanneblack

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

@OllyiConic

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

@KenJennings

The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.

@FatherWithTwins

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.