Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
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Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
me: *swimming in nile* u dont think there are any alligators in here right
me: *eaten alive by crocodiles*
friend: alligators aren’t indigenous to africa
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
girl came up to me at LAX and said i looked familiar so i said prob from twitter? she was like omg yea so she took my phone to add me on ig snap etc. then left for her gate, entire flight home i felt like the man but i just landed and bro she cashapp’d herself $500 from my acct
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
It’s hard to feel dangerous when you’ve had the hiccups for 45 minutes.