“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
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[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.