I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

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america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky


I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up


yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right


If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.


“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.


Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?


Her: Are you day drinking again?

Me: *frantically hides a six pack of Saturdays behind my back*


Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”


the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces