I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

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*leaves a trail of banana peels so you slip and fall …..

In love with me, HAHA SUCKAH.


I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.


ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]


I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*


Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?


It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…


This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.


Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine


Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on


FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope