@YoungNobler

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

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@ghostkrogh

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

@MintyCow

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

@AlishaRai

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

@BillDixonish

If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.

@daviddeweil

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

@FunnyTunes

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

@UnFitz

Her: Are you day drinking again?

Me: *frantically hides a six pack of Saturdays behind my back*

@junejuly12

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

@rad_milk

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces