I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
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Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
*frowns in Scottish*
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.