@YoungNobler

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

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@Bratterina

*leaves a trail of banana peels so you slip and fall …..

In love with me, HAHA SUCKAH.

@skittle624

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

@joejwest

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

@lionprincessval

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

@darksidedeb

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

@Marlebean

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

@ToneLoaf

This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.

@HrBry

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

@damakattack

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope