I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
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TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government