I will do a lot of things but admiting I’m cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
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I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don’t already spend enough time in there with us.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”