I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
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There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries