@dinokitten

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

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@WAPratt

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

@honestly_mom

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

@pittdave13

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

@MUMSIEesq

3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP!

ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door*

3YO: I want a snack.

@BobTheSuit

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

@sug_knight

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

@gnuman1979

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

@juliussharpe

Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.

@HenpeckedHal

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.