At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
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I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???