CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
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*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP!
ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door*
3YO: I want a snack.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.