So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
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Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Just a friendly reminder!