When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
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I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.