I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
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“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket