A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
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Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude