I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
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If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
We found love in a hopeless place.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey