I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
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I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
(Jupiter –
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro