Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots
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What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
The parents of small children
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?