“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots

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Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy


What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?


People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.


me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”


Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed


Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.


Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
The parents of small children


My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting