@robfee

“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

@MikeCanRant

What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?

@karanbirtinna

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

@KeetPotato

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

@OllyiConic

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

@shesok2

Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.

@CourtRundell

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

@Petote

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting