@robfee

“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots

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@humanaaron

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

@kevinseccia

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

@neiltyson

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

@markydoodoo

[God creating wombats]

Just roll that balloon in fur and let’s call it a day.

@KKAlThani

*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*

@DanielRCarrillo

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

@juliussharpe

Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.

@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

@dafloydsta

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?