It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
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“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.