“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots

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[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price


Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?


Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic


[God creating wombats]

Just roll that balloon in fur and let’s call it a day.


*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*


Rejected names for lumberjacks:


Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.


Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.


[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?