@TylerLinkin

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

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@aparnapkin

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

@drinksmcgee

Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…

@benedictevans

My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.

@PraceKevin

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

@momTruthBomb

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

@ShittyComedian

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

@chuuew

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

@lecalabara

Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!