I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
A double negative is a big no-no.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Never let them know your next move 😂
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion