I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

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don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather


i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police


The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can’t complete calls.


Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
T: No-[sees it’s almost 3 pm] Magic


Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.


Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.



Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.


*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me


Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did


[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork


SURGEON: …over that scalpel