I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet


Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…


My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.


Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.


“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows


When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.


GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]


GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?


Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!