@TylerLinkin

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

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@egg_dog

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

@jxeker

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

@juliussharpe

The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can’t complete calls.

@abbycohenwl

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
T: No-[sees it’s almost 3 pm] Magic

@ahamedweinberg

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

@SimplySnaccbar

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

@NoticablyBacon

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

@omaddiyo

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

@PleaseBeGneiss

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel