All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
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Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row