Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
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*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
The game has officially changed 😎
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT