the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
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Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)