Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
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“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
how can med students be sick,like bro just look at your notes
I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora.
Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.