I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.


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Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”


WIFE: He thinks he’s a news anchor
DOCTOR: Is this true
ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]


I’m not the kind of girl to get mad and throw a drink in your face….that’s wasteful. I’d drink it first and then glass you.


My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”


Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.


I don’t speak button, but if I could I’m pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, “Aaaaah! Help me!” right now.


some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what


“Millennials are so entitled!”
Aye well I don’t see 20-somethings screaming for the manager because their coupon expired a month ago, Janet


me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now


Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.