I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.


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Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?


“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.



ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere


I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora.

Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat.


Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.


Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”


Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.


GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.