I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“How’s your day going?”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.