I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
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I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.