Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

nobody’s gonna understand

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button