69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
You Might Also Like
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
why isn’t thunder called soundning
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!