@NikiWithIssues

I’m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I’m also wearing a cape.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

@ohheyitszara

Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.

@cravin4

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

@MartaEffing

[breakup talk]

H: Gimme one last chance!
M: How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me!
M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!

@HoldinCoffeeld

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

@vikkaroni

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

@haleysfalling

patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH
bad people: ok, death
patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart

@Cheeseboy22

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

@Heldinchains

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.