Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I’m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I’m also wearing a cape.
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Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
H: Gimme one last chance!
M: How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me!
M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH
bad people: ok, death
patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.