If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended đź‘Ť
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Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.