“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.
Dad: Want a donut?
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Sensor: *bursts into flames*