I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
A woman drives into a bar.