@aveuaskew

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

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@batkaren

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

@TrelawnySara

creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.

@mommajessiec

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

@TheMichaelRock

My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.

@SufficientCharm

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

@GrantTanaka

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

@dumbbeezie

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

@galiamango

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

@Jordan_Morris

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

@professorkiosk

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*