I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
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ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Name another movie that mislead you?
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
A friend helps you before you need it
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.