Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.