I’m sure it’s fine.
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
groan^2
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Great acting.. 😂