interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
‘I’m sure it’s just water,’ I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.
You Might Also Like
I hope buying all this cat food doesn’t make me look like a crazy cat lady.
I just like the taste.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
me: I love jalapeños
me: we’re palapeños 🙂
boss: you’re fired
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind