What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.