@JeremyKCMO

‘I’m sure it’s just water,’ I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.

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@AthenaMystique

I hope buying all this cat food doesn’t make me look like a crazy cat lady.

I just like the taste.

@FunnyBison

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

@JB4Realz

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

@BraandoCommando

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

@ArfMeasures

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

@pilau

me: I love jalapeños

boss: same

me: we’re palapeños 🙂

boss: you’re fired

@stephenjmolloy

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

@dog_feelings

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind