[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
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[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings