WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
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The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift