I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
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I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
You sure about that?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours