I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
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My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
That’s no pocket rocket.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid