gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
I’m sure you’re cool but you make me nervous. Like a seafood restaurant in a landlocked state.
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Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.