@ozzyunc

I’m sure you’re cool but you make me nervous. Like a seafood restaurant in a landlocked state.

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@TheHyyyype

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

@onelongbender

Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.

@JasonNotEvil

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

@AndrewChamings

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

@envydatropic

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

@AmishPornStar1

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

@FranticFox

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

@McGrumpenstein

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.