I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”