I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.