@MissNaughty1801

I’m surprised my son doesn’t think his name is ‘stopit’

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@robfee

Yelp is a great way to find out where garbage people will never eat again because one time a waitress forgot their honey mustard.

@MelissaJoy33

I’m sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead.

Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup.

~White people.

@AbbyHasIssues

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

@Dutch_50

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

@JustBeingEmma

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

@noog

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

@ClaytonSykes

Having a beard makes it easier to hatch a scheme, but it’s getting harder and harder to play on a public swing set by myself.

@tamara_geldart

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

@NewDadNotes

*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog

@JoeP187

So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?