My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
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It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.