Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I’m surprised “slow internet connection” doesn’t come up more often as a motive in murder trials.
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I’ll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we’re dating.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me: here, take the eggs too
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.
Cylinder? Tater tot!
– me teaching our 2yr old shapes
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.