Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
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Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.