@megfraser

I’m surprised “slow internet connection” doesn’t come up more often as a motive in murder trials.

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@Sassafrantz

I’ll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we’re dating.

@Liber_what

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

@bobvulfov

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

@TheBoydP

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

@Birdhumms

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

@CandyEmpires

If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.

@sammyrhodes

Circle? Donut!
Triangle? Pizza!
Cylinder? Tater tot!
– me teaching our 2yr old shapes

@ArfMeasures

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

@gabutch

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.