I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
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My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I’m about to risk it all
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9