I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
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Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Not my job 😂
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30