i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

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I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.


The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”


If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?


ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?


Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..


The cat licks itself and it’s cute. I do it and I’m “no longer allowed in the library”.


I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.


No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.


[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*