I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
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ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
The cat licks itself and it’s cute. I do it and I’m “no longer allowed in the library”.
I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?
*Refrigerator hums loudly*