i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
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YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time