Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
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This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My Plans 2020
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween