I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
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Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Why am I like this?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Buying a well is money well spent.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.