(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
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Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Baking is just science you can eat.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose