Her: I’m a model.
Me: You look so real!
I’m teaching my son to say “Please,” and “Thank you,” and “Come with me if you want to live.”
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If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun