@TheAlexNevil: I’m teaching my son to say “Please,” and “Thank you,” and “Come with me if you want to live.”
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@trentistweeting: "My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom." *cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens
@MissAnneBlondie: Coffee so strong, you finish the "to do" list, that you haven't even written yet.
@UncleDuke1969: [concert parking lot] SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt? ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze... $20. It’ll blow your mind. KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks! SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!? ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.