God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
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Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
“Why you watching this shit?”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements