@TheAlexNevil

I’m teaching my son to say “Please,” and “Thank you,” and “Come with me if you want to live.”

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@Tups13

Her: I’m a model.
Me: You look so real!

@hashtag_stacks

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

@aissalanis

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

@aotakeo

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

@sageboggs

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

@ManJuggs

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

@bourgeoisalien

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

@minkpinkustink

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun