make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
This might be the funniest tweet ever