I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
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I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–