I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
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Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet