me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
5: let’s play the quiet game.
5: ready..? Start.
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Don’t mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Boss: What is your best trait?
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.