I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
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“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.