@stewiecoffee

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

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@iamburtjarvis

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

@dubstep4dads

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

@iinkedZombie

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

@SoVeryBritish

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

@TedBundybitch

Don’t mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months

@mommajessiec

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

@FredTaming

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

@T_Bonezzz_

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

@Tmoney68

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.