@duplicitron Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.
@joshgondelman I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
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@duplicitron 
@Violent2Dope304 Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
@iwearaonesie wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
@LostFelicia A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
@dxblarssonENG Tomorrow is bring your hangover to work day.
@StellaRtwot I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
@Nickadoo If you set fire to LMFAO they’ll become ROTFLMAO.
@SaltyCorpse My dogs: Get up and feed us.
Me: It’s Saturday. We don’t need to be up yet.
My dogs: Don’t make us get the cat…
@QwertyJones3 Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
@TheNardvark I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”