I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
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Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
How to draw a duck
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
You better watch out
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?