I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

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Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.


Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.


wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding


A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.


I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.


If you set fire to LMFAO they’ll become ROTFLMAO.


My dogs: Get up and feed us.

Me: It’s Saturday. We don’t need to be up yet.

My dogs: Don’t make us get the cat…


Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by


I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”