I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

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Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito


me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?


Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.


Had sex with my nephew’s English teacher. Texted her the next day “Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!” so I don’t have to see her again.


I’ll have a whiskey please.

“Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.”

Sorry, a McWhiskey.


I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.


My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”


I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It’s not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.


Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.