@joshgondelman

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

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@duplicitron

Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.

@Violent2Dope304

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

@LostFelicia

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

@StellaRtwot

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

@Nickadoo

If you set fire to LMFAO they’ll become ROTFLMAO.

@SaltyCorpse

My dogs: Get up and feed us.

Me: It’s Saturday. We don’t need to be up yet.

My dogs: Don’t make us get the cat…

@QwertyJones3

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

@TheNardvark

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”