@joshgondelman

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

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@loudmouth_usa

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

@SaraQDavid

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

@ScottLinnen

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

@LousyBastard

Had sex with my nephew’s English teacher. Texted her the next day “Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!” so I don’t have to see her again.

@Faptually

I’ll have a whiskey please.

“Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.”

Sorry, a McWhiskey.

@gorrdano

I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.

@hello_saylor

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

@QuotingJokes

I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It’s not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.

@brennadine

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.