I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
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one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”